The Minefield - Sexuality
November 17th, 2011Although over the last 18 months I have had a variety of adventures that fulfilled my cocktail drinking, late sleeping, world traveling ambitions, I have now settled back into the day job I have had since 2005. I look after children. I’m a nanny, possibly more along the lines of crazy aunt than Mary Poppins. I work long days covering parent’s commutes as well as their working hours. I finish up breakfast, soothe at nap time and start the bed time routine. They’re in their pyjamas at either end of the day and everything that comes in between is more or less in my hands.
If it sounds like a lot of responsibility, it is. I’ve always treated it as such and tried to find parents who are good communicators, who are thoughtful and have similar attitudes to me in raising children. I’ve been lucky enough to work for people who I respect a lot. I’ve also cared for some incredibly loveable kids.
Children have opinions on EVERYTHING. Even toddlers make their views felt with well timed screeches, but there’s a big difference between someone who’s just out of babyhood and a school age child with a strong personality who knows what they think about everything from Cauliflower Cheese to whether only a boy and a girl can get married.
I have my own opinions on these matters (Cauliflower Cheese is nice! WHAT!?). My conscience tells me to sew seeds of acceptance but I also feel that there’s a line I shouldn’t cross. If a topic hasn’t come up in discussion with parents, I don’t want to risk horrifying them with my views - however strongly I hold them. I am there to support a family, not derail someone’s life view and undermine their values in front of their kids. It’s up to me to judge whether I can do that happily - I would find it hard to accept a job for people who’s values I can’t support, and likewise, they don’t want a Nanny who doesn’t back them up. This is the kind of thing we should be dealing with in the interview stage. The wave of relief when one family asked me nervously, “You don’t read the D***y M**l, do you?” was immense.
Equality and inclusiveness are mandatory considerations in nursery, school and child care settings. Even at my Ofsted inspection I was asked to detail how I promoted diversity. On TV after school children see presenters from many different ethnic backgrounds and with physical differences such as CBeebies’ Cerrie, who caused controversy when she first appeared on screen as her arm ends below her elbow. Children tend to ask questions rather than pass judgment, though - you’re more likely to hear “Why doesn’t she have a hand?” than “All people should have two hands”. I think a lot of the parents who voiced their “concerns” about Cerrie were indeed projecting their own discomfort. A benign, smiling, pretty blonde lady is very unlikely to be the terrifying vision of the big bad world that the carers in question were imagining.
What do you do when the issues are more complex? At five years old, a gay couple with a child is an abstract concept until you meet a family with same sex parents. Princesses marry Princes, Mummy has Daddy and there’s Mr. & Mrs. Neighbour, too. Children often refuse to believe things they haven’t experienced directly. When you’re trying to figure out how the world fits together, identifying patterns and certainties makes you feel secure. If the reality is that everyone in a class appears to have heterosexual parents, a child’s perception of “normal” or “average” families will reflect that. If a child says “Only a boy and a girl can get married”, it could mean anything from “I’m going to grow up to be a raging homophobe” to “I see mostly Mummies and Daddies, but I’ll revisit this when I have a better understanding of how adults form romantic relationships”.
I think that’s the key - we simply don’t know what conclusions children will draw when they are older and can grasp more of the subtleties of interpersonal relationships. The best I can do is remain happy to answer questions without prejudice. If a parent has gay or queer friends, the reality is there that sometimes people who aren’t a strong male Prince and a pretty blonde Princess will fall in love and live together. Setting a good example, living the ideals that we describe, being welcoming to everyone - that answers more questions than a child is ever likely to ask.
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Day to day you may find that you encounter mostly people in the same socioeconomic, cultural or other “group” as you - you might not work with anyone who doesn’t ID as straight, so how do you magic queer friends out of thin air?
What are your experiences?
Do you think there is a big problem with segregation in society, or is it people unconsciously forming tribes for security? Where is the line between comfort and exclusion?
